Friday, December 27, 2019

Um...Ya, Meltdown.

I'm not even going to pretend that I didn't have a meltdown this year on Christmas Eve. I did. It was bad. It was a sad moment, when everything poured in and I entertained thoughts of "what if, and if only, and It should be"... Honestly, I know better.

I know myself, I know that I get caught up in crazy emotional turmoil around the holidays. I know this. I also know I have a plan, I have a Merry Christmas List, that I fill out yearly. But did I arm myself this year with the tools I need to not have a meltdown? No. I did not. Did I have a meltdown. Yes BIG time. Who is to blame? Me. Me and only me. I know myself, I have a yearly plan- I didn't follow through I own that. UGh.

I try to choose gratitude everyday and I manage, honestly, most days... the Holidays are hard. Even though it is my favourite time of the year, I manage to feel empty, lost, frustrated, and hurt. Maybe I ought to change my favourite holiday? But the reality is when I am feeling this way it is because of unfulfilled expectations, and this toxic phrase that plays over in my mind: "It isn't suppose to be this way". For a lot of things...

My parents aren't suppose to be divorced. Honestly being the adult child of divorced parents is hard yo. Hard.

We were suppose to have kids. We didn't y'all, It's hard to celebrate Christmas with family and their children. It's a reminder of what we don't have. (BUT -just let me get a grateful moment in here for a second because- seriously- IT IS SO nice to go home, and have a full night sleep, no sugar high kids waking us up at 5 am the next day- so yup, I do see that Silver lining I love so much).

I am not a great gift giver, I never think it's enough, I always go over budget, and I get mad about it, in the aftermath. (GRINCH anyone??)

But then on Christmas Eve we ordered a pizza and tipped the bill, because I was so grateful that they delivered pizza to a sobbing mess and washed it down with beer. (So NOT a Grinch?)

I feel pulled in a lot of different directions with feelings, I'm so grateful for the life I have... and I am so ungrateful because around the holidays it isn't what I thought it would be... how is one suppose to deal with this?

Oh right... I know, my Merry Christmas List... that is how I manage these feelings every year, THAT is how I make sure that the Christmas letdown is not a Missie Meltdown that takes days, weeks to recover from.

Next year, I am having a Christmas Eve Open house, come on by, have a drink, listen to some Christmas music, have some snacks, chat a little, enjoy putting together a puzzle with us... Just come by and be... be simple, be grateful, be together, just be... and just be ok. It'll be for me- not necessarily for anyone else, it'll be so I can get through without too much time to ponder the "what ifs, the why nots, the why us" moments.

I was a mess. I'm embarrassed to even say it, but in order to live my authentic life, I feel like I wanted to share it... because if I am feeling this, you might be too... and I want you to know you are not alone, you are not solo in the journey through the jungle of chaos at Christmas. I too am bushwhacking with the best of them... just trying to survive and hold on to some semblance of peace and gratitude.

I preach love, peace, gratitude... and guess what, most of the time I live it, sometimes I get caught up in that downward spiral... but what I know for sure is this is not permanent, this is only temporary, and in the grand scheme of things... Life is beautiful, hard, and beautiful. So I must continue to think on these things...
Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper. Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise. Philippians 4:8 (CEV)

I hope your Christmas was meltdown free... full of joy, and peace, and love, and gratitude, and generosity...

Share the love,
M.





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1 comment:

  1. I stumbled across this post this morning.....I always go through what I call the "Christmas let down". I've spent a good portion of my life dreaming of the perfect family Christmas, which as ad adult, I'm pretty sure doesn't exist anywhere in reality.

    My parents are long gone. I have no siblings. My husbands father, and older brother passed away a couple of years back. We have no children of our own.

    Up until the past few years, holiday gatherings were stressful affairs. These days everyone in hubby's family seems content to go their own direction at holiday time. It's like we're not supposed to come in contact with one another or something.

    Not what I ever envisioned.

    Now I just try to revel in the holiday itself, take it as it comes, and enjoy the solitude that comes.

    ReplyDelete

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