Saturday, March 10, 2018

Ache.

This one is for anyone who feels they have not received their hearts desire, their biggest hope, there loftiest dream...

I know how that feels... it aches, and it just blows my mind how we can survive and sometimes thrive amidst so much pain.

If we don't speak about it, we weep about it... in aisle 7, at Walmart, sitting alone in the basement- air sucked out of our lungs like a punch to the gut, a memory is jogged and stops us dead in our tracks. Oh, I hear you hurt, I feel you pain, I know you ache, we've been here before...

Not every day is like this, not every moment is pain, but grief is never too far away, watching and waiting for that perfect moment to surface and immobilize me. It's hard, it hurts, it's crippling somedays, but it is part of who I am... and it has made me who I am... so I am grateful, I am broken, I hurt, I am frustrated, but I can look up and thank God for the blessings in my life, even amidst the pain...

This song was my anthem during our IVF treatments... and has continued to ring true... these words get me every time....


"Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering,  Though there's pain in the offering -Blessed be Your name"
-Blessed Be Your Name Lyrics by Mark and Beth Redman 

Everyone has grief, and pain, no one gets out of this life unscathed, it is part of life, it's how we deal with it that matters...

How do you deal with your pain? your hurt? your ache?

Share the love,
M.

(PS. I feel I need to share this, because I know I am not alone... and neither are you <3 )

Update: March 12, 2018

I keep thinking of deleting this post, because I feel vulnerable sharing this ... but I can't - because then I'm not being authentic... I keep wondering if this will have a negative impact on how people perceive me- but if it does, does that actually matter?

Being honest is hard, it's easier to put on a smile and say everything is alright- in the grand scheme of things, yes everything will be alright, but in the moments that i shared these thoughts, thing were not alright.

I know I am not alone in how I feel sometimes, I felt very alone when I was going through in vitro, I felt like everyone I knew -and their dogs- were getting pregnant, and no one was sharing anything other than good news...

What I found out later...

One of my friends had had 3 miscarriages... we could have been there for one another -had we been honest...

One friend kept saying they were waiting to get pregnant... but in all reality they were really trying hard and it wasn't happening...

One friend went through IVF, 1 unsuccessful, and then 1 successful (yay!)

I know why we don't share everything, that vulnerability, the thoughts that people's perception of us will change, we feel weak, sad, scared, and alone...

I don't want anyone to feel the feelings I felt, I don't want people to feel so alone when going through something...

So that is why this post will stay up, even though I feel vulnerable... even though every fibre of my being wants to take it down, and be that super stoic woman, who can manage everything with grace... I manage everything with snotty tears, in a heap on the kitchen floor sometimes... and if that ain't managing well, then I don't know what it... (ha!)

So here's to all of the men and women out there, who are just trying to make it through, and who will be honest enough with themselves to know that talking about what's really going on, actually makes us all stronger... it creates a community that cares...

Let's be that,


Share the love,
Missie

LostBumblebee ©2018 MDBN personal use only, home decor, blessed be your name, www.lostbumblebee.net
LostBumblebee ©2018 MDBN
personal use only

6 comments:

  1. Don't delete this. It is authentic, real, raw, and vulnerable. In a world that steers further away from those things, it is refreshing to read. Your pain breaks my heart but it revives my spirit to see a genuine expression of emotions rather than "I'm fine" most people give when asked how they are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me <3 needed to hear it!
      M.

      Delete
  2. Please forgive me for posting this here but I couldn't find an email address. Something clicked in my mind when I stumbled onto one of your other posts and I think God is prompting me to ask if you are familiar with embryo donation / adoption. The basic concept is that couples who do IVF sometimes have unused embryos after completing their families and, rather than destroy them, they donate them to others who are hoping to have kids. I have friends who matched through FB and now have two beautiful children. Please forgive me if this opens a wound and thank you for being vulnerable. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Christine, thank you so much for leaving this comment... I totally read this wrong the first time, and I thought you were asking me if we had thought about embryo donation for our embryos, but I reread it and I think you are asking me if we have ever though of it for us... I actually haven't... thank you for re-bringing this to my attention <3 <3 <3 thank you for following your heart.
      M.

      Delete
  3. Your heart......My pain was different, you know, but I did it alone too for so many similar reasons. Love this verse and I love you Missie....xxx

    ReplyDelete

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