Find Joy.

If you are anything like me, you may find yourself dreaming of the way things were 'supposed' to be. 

Let me just put this out there, right up front, things are exactly as they are meant to be. Now, whether or not they are what you expected them to be, is a totally different story. Hopes and dreams are constantly dashed when people, things, events, don't live up to our expectations- but those are our expectations- What if we were willing to accept life as it comes (I'm not talking about being apathetic here) but what if we let people be themselves, events turn out as they may, and learn to live in the ebb and flow of a chaotic world, yet be filled with peace? 

Is this even possible? Can the world be falling apart, rather our expectations of what we think ought to be happening in the world, and can we still live in a peaceful state?

I'm going to wager a giant YES on that. I'm going to say that in my situation, AND I live in someone else's plan B of my life, I feel a sense of peace. Knowing that it is ok not to know, and not to be in control, and for me to find gratitude in the moment, and joy in the unexpected story I live...I say YES. 

We can live a life that was not our expectation and still be filled with peace, joy, gratitude. 

Now let's talk nitty gritty... because it totally SUCKS when things don't turn out the way you want them too, and when you wake up in a world that is beyond your control and you have to navigate the hurt, the shame, the unbelievable pain... healing doesn't happen over night. You can't will yourself into being filled with joy when you are at the bottom of a pit heaving just to breathe the pain is so thick... no you can't will yourself to be happy... and the "fake it t'ill you make it" just doesn't work... when tears leak out of you, and you seep pain... it is hard. It sucks. I can't tell you it doesn't. 

What I can tell you is that in time, lots and lots of time, things change... you never stop missing what you've lost, you never stop hurting when you think about it, but you can find peace with it, and in finding peace, you can find joy... I know for myself, joy started to seep in when I started focusing on the things in my life I had to be grateful for. Gratitude is a ribbon that runs through my life, it has changed my life, gratitude and time are healers. In time, gratitude breathes joy, and joy in life... creates an underlying bedrock of peace... not that weird happy all the time crap, but that deep seated peace that no matter what the situation, you know, that you know, you will survive... time will help heal, nothing stays the same forever, and you will grateful for the story you are living.

Everyone of us has a story that is filled with pain, if we were to compare our hurts, we would all one up each other... but what if we stopped comparing, started sharing, and helped other's see light at the end of the tunnel, because one thing I know is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope in the darkest night, and there is peace to be had... change your focus, be grateful, hold on to your hope, because... Joy is coming... There is Joy in the story you are living...hold on. Just hold on.

Two printables for you to choose from... take your pick for whichever you need :) 

Share the love,

M.

 Our hope comes from God. May He fill you with joy and peace because of your trust in Him. Romans 15:13 NLV

On a technical note, I cannot respond to any comments that you leave... I'm so sorry, it's extremely frustrating, but I am in no way shape or form a techie- so alas it is how it will stay. If you want to reach out and share with me, please use the contact me button on the side of this page, and that will go directly to my blog email, and I will get it and respond. M.

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LostBumblebee ©2019 MDBN Free Printable,
Free for personal USE ONLY

Ache.

This one is for anyone who feels they have not received their hearts desire, their biggest hope, there loftiest dream...

I know how that feels... it aches, and it just blows my mind how we can survive and sometimes thrive amidst so much pain.

If we don't speak about it, we weep about it... in aisle 7, at Walmart, sitting alone in the basement- air sucked out of our lungs like a punch to the gut, a memory is jogged and stops us dead in our tracks. Oh, I hear you hurt, I feel you pain, I know you ache, we've been here before...

Not every day is like this, not every moment is pain, but grief is never too far away, watching and waiting for that perfect moment to surface and immobilize me. It's hard, it hurts, it's crippling somedays, but it is part of who I am... and it has made me who I am... so I am grateful, I am broken, I hurt, I am frustrated, but I can look up and thank God for the blessings in my life, even amidst the pain...

This song was my anthem during our IVF treatments... and has continued to ring true... these words get me every time....

"Blessed be Your name, On the road marked with suffering,  Though there's pain in the offering -Blessed be Your name"

-Blessed Be Your Name Lyrics by Mark and Beth Redman 

Everyone has grief, and pain, no one gets out of this life unscathed, it is part of life, it's how we deal with it that matters...

How do you deal with your pain? your hurt? your ache?

Share the love,
M.

(PS. I feel I need to share this, because I know I am not alone... and neither are you <3 )

Update: March 12, 2018

I keep thinking of deleting this post, because I feel vulnerable sharing this ... but I can't - because then I'm not being authentic... I keep wondering if this will have a negative impact on how people perceive me- but if it does, does that actually matter?

Being honest is hard, it's easier to put on a smile and say everything is alright- in the grand scheme of things, yes everything will be alright, but in the moments that i shared these thoughts, thing were not alright.

I know I am not alone in how I feel sometimes, I felt very alone when I was going through in vitro, I felt like everyone I knew -and their dogs- were getting pregnant, and no one was sharing anything other than good news...

What I found out later...

One of my friends had had 3 miscarriages... we could have been there for one another -had we been honest...

One friend kept saying they were waiting to get pregnant... but in all reality they were really trying hard and it wasn't happening...

One friend went through IVF, 1 unsuccessful, and then 1 successful (yay!)

I know why we don't share everything, that vulnerability, the thoughts that people's perception of us will change, we feel weak, sad, scared, and alone...

I don't want anyone to feel the feelings I felt, I don't want people to feel so alone when going through something...

So that is why this post will stay up, even though I feel vulnerable... even though every fibre of my being wants to take it down, and be that super stoic woman, who can manage everything with grace... I manage everything with snotty tears, in a heap on the kitchen floor sometimes... and if that ain't managing well, then I don't know what it... (ha!)

So here's to all of the men and women out there, who are just trying to make it through, and who will be honest enough with themselves to know that talking about what's really going on, actually makes us all stronger... it creates a community that cares...

Let's be that,


Share the love,
Missie

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My Merry Christmas List.

For all of my American friends, tomorrow is Thanksgiving... for my Canadian friends, I've already got our tree up, carols are playing, I'm enjoying the cool air, hot coffee, and basically hunkering down for winter. Winter in Montreal is cold, but winter in Montreal is magical. Nothing is as beautiful as a fresh layer of white snow... Nothing warms my heart like waking up to a blanket of pure white... then reality sets in, and you know you need to shovel, put on boots, warm clothes, upon warm clothes, fingers tingling with cold, and then you step outside and it takes your breath away, literally... and figuratively.

Winter is a constant reminder of a fresh start, a beautiful redemption story, and new life. I love this time of year. Although Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year...  I often find that this time of year ends up being a time of reflection, often sadness, unfulfilled expectations and rushing... rushing, rushing... 'till life's no fun...

I'm what my mother calls, that "creative type" my emotions go a little up and down, I am so much better than I used to be, but I still fall prey to a rollercoaster of emotions at this time of year... high, high, high, leading up to the 24th.... and often the 25th is low low low... something switches, did I miss something? Did something not happen that I needed to happen, why isn't it like I was when I was 5, that awesome feeling of complete joy? What's wrong with me?

What I've come to learn is that there is nothing wrong with me, I cannot go back to that childlike wonder of Christmas because of all of the adult like responsibilities and knowledge that fills my brain. But what I can do to guard my heart from unfulfilled expectations is write them down.

Last year was my first year of doing this, and it made so much sense when I started to feel low... I read over my expectations, and I had achieved every one of them, so what was there to be sad about? I had accomplished my goals, and the side of my brain that reasons things out, stated as clear as day- You've accomplished everything you set out to accomplish, therefore Christmas was a success... What are you wallowing about? and although it didn't eliminate all of the feelings, it helped me put things into perspective.

So I've included a "My Merry Christmas List",  it isn't about writing physical things you want like gifts, (although you can definitely use it for that). Instead it is about writing a list of expectations that you'd like to achieve. A few examples of mine from last year, and will probably end up on this years list again are:

1. Spend time with my Hubby (Doing a puzzle, watching a Christmas Movie, having hot chocolate)
2. Spend Quality time with my Dad (Enjoy a conversation about life, share photos from the year, discuss our favourite memory of the year etc.)
Sometimes you have to have a plan about how you want to spend your time, and what to have a conversation about, or it will get swallowed up by noise, tv shows, and stupid stuff.
3. Spend time with my Mom (we are going to her house this year and I am so excited, my hope is to have: hot chocolate and conversations, do a puzzle, watch a christmas movie, sing some carols, enjoy the fireplace, relax)
4. Enjoy My Hubby's family,  it is all about the kids, celebrate them~ enjoy their company, have an extra glass of wine, and just relax and laugh
5. Take a walk, enjoy the crunch of fresh snow under my feet
6. Take a nap
7. Chat's on the phone with my sister. Skype or FaceTime Christmas morning
8. Make bread
9. Big paper, Big markers, Big plans for 2016- Write out our yearly goals together- make plans to accomplish them. (this might be one of my favourite things to do with the hubby, it's all about dreaming, and planning for the entire year.. of course over the year things get eliminated, but things also get added- it is a fun process to do together!)

And the list goes on... it seems insignificant to write those things down, but when I go back over my list and I have accomplished all of those moments with the people that I love, I consider it a success... because it so often goes by in a whirlwind, and all of a sudden there is a crash... I'm practically in tears, and it's all over...

If you are anything like me, and love this time of year, but also know that when it's over, sometimes it is hard... try making a list of moments...

Last year this was my saving grace... as simple as that... no crashing, just wallowing in beautiful memories of moments that we had...

Share the love,
M.

Ps. I've also added a Merry Christmas Print at the bottom, plus a plethora of Facebook cover images in lots of colours :)

Have You Donated? All Donations go to Nurture Baby Home in Uganda to help with the care of Edrisa and all of the other Children, let's make sure to send some love and Christmas spirit to those little ones who need love.

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