Sometimes it is hard adulting when you don't actually ever feel like the adult in the room. The Hubby and I have no kids, not for lack of trying, praying, bargaining, etc... you can read all about that story here: Why I do what I do! ) But when you don't have children, you are still the children- we don't have little people running around the house needing us, we aren't required to have a set dinner time, toast at 8pm while binge watching Netflix is actually not a 'no no'. When you've got kids, you've got other responsibilities... at the moment, the only things I need to keep alive are my Hubby (and generally he can forage for himself), Timothy the Dog, and a few house plants... So Christmas here is a little different.
I have this belief that when you reach a certain age, most couples have children to relive the wonder through their eyes... Christmas time is especially difficult for me... Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, I love everything about it, but I've always got this underlying sadness that I just can't seem to shake...
I have to guard myself agains falling into a season of despair and frustration, because that makes me no fun for anyone around the holidays...
I love this song by Third Day, and I try to keep it in mind... the feelings that I feel are not unique- other's may feel this way too. I never quite understood how the holidays could be hard on people when I was younger, my how the years can you teach you all sorts of things... now I get it... now I understand. But now I also know that I need to focus on gratitude... focus on the beauty, focus on the hope...focus on Jesus... the true meaning of Christmas...
Although I want to feel Christmas like it used to be... I know- it is probably not possible... but one certainly can hope... and hope I do.
I want to feel Christmas, how it used to be
With all of its wonder falling on me
This season has felt so empty, oh, for quite a while
I want to feel Christmas like a child
With all of its wonder falling on me
This season has felt so empty, oh, for quite a while
I want to feel Christmas like a child
I want to see snowflakes fall to the ground
My brothers and sisters all gathered around
Singing, "Away In A Manager" as we sit by the fire
I want to feel Christmas like a child
My brothers and sisters all gathered around
Singing, "Away In A Manager" as we sit by the fire
I want to feel Christmas like a child
It's been so long now, I can't say
Just when I lost my way
Just when I lost my way
But I'm going back to how it was
When this day meant everything
And we spent our time remembering
The baby Child born for us
And we spent our time remembering
The baby Child born for us
It's all about Jesus
Asleep in the straw
This infant, this King
This Savior for all
Asleep in the straw
This infant, this King
This Savior for all
So I don't need bells to be ringing
'Cause I'll join with angels singing, Gloria
And I can feel Christmas like a child
'Cause I'll join with angels singing, Gloria
And I can feel Christmas like a child
(Third Day Music)
How do you cope with Christmas? Do you find yourself reminiscing? For those of you who have Children, do you get to live that wonder through their experiences? Through their eyes?
Share the love,
M.
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Seasons Greetings, Melissa!
ReplyDeleteI am just now catching up on blogs, having spent the last week as a member of the "Sick Club"! But that's okay; sometimes you just have to give in, & realize that when you're ill you are not going to be able to ignore it! So, even if it's holiday time, life will still be there waiting when you're up & around & feeling better. :-)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. I believe there are times in life when we, as adults, chase that beloved childhood Christmas memory in our heads, longing to recreate it in the present day. I know when my only child ~ my son, was little I about busted a gasket trying to make each Christmas amazing for him. (I have a slightly different story than you . . . . mine was not about trying to get pregnant, but getting pregnant & miscarrying numerous times, so I believe I can understand, at least partially, where you are coming from.)
Now, at age 60, with a 36 year old son, it is indeed a different "season" of remembering for me. I am so grateful that I'm still here, mental faculties somewhat intact (!), to have these memories of Christmas' past. I don't have any grandchildren, but I do enjoy seeing & hearing how my dear friend of many years celebrates with her 2 grandkids.
I think I made my peace with not being able to have a "Norman Rockwell-type Christmas" some years ago. You've hit the nail on the head many times, when you've written about gratitude & how it has the power to transform your thinking. Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but having weathered several catastrophic life events (my late husband of 19 1/2 years was killed, I lost our beloved home & business due to no life insurance,(that was a totally unexpected shock....), my health became severely compromised when 3 spinal fusion surgeries left me disabled in 1999, a heart attack a few years ago, etc.). . . I finally discovered that truly freeing thought: That no one can make your life truly happy unless you do it for yourself first. A tough road to hoe, to be sure, but do-able if you truly put your heart to it. My 2nd husband of 21 years now & I have learned, slowly but surely, to revise our expectations of Christmas to work within my disabled lifestyle (mostly bedridden), & to alter our wishes & dreams accordingly. Some years, like this one, I've not had the energy to "do" Christmas. But that's okay; it just takes time learn to be gentle with your own expectations and/or limitations. Christmas "looks" different now, & it always will. But thankfully, my husband & my son are happy & healthy. That ticks off the necessary boxes for me.
Sorry this is so long; I wanted to say thank you for your lovely blog, & sharing your story with others. It really is a small world, & we women are more connected than we realize sometimes, I believe.
Wishing you happiness and peace,
Lisa in Oregon
Thank you Lisa for sharing :)
DeleteI sent you an email <3
M.